My Journey of Self Love and Healing

My Journey of Self Love and Healing

by missy jones

[Editor’s Note*:  Missy Jones’s story, below, is a powerful story, of tremendous traumas and other challenges not just endured… But, in many ways, as this editor sees it, redeemed and transformed by Missy’s resilience and her strong life force. Many of the events mentioned here may be triggery for readers, and are not recommended reading for children or sensitive younger teens. Trigger Warnings for: sexual abuse and rape, other forms of abuse, homelessness, police bullying, drugs and drinking, mental illness, self-harm, hospitalization for mental illness, suicide attempts. Life can be damn hard, folks. This story is a profound reminder, to this editor, that even in the midst of grave difficulties and dire darkness, there are still places of light and hope.  Having endured more than we think we could ever bear… we may yet find ways to keep reaching out, to continue on…  to keep seeking for something that will help us be happy…  to transform suffering and horror into self-love and healing… to fulfill the purpose we feel born for. I find it so hopeful and life-affirming, that Missy Jones’s life purpose is to…  well, you’ll see. I feel blessed, thankful, and honoured, to be a part of offering this to you.  –Heidi]

*Special, grateful, heartfelt thanks to Rachel Hanson Skousen for doing primary “compassionate” (respectful, sympathetic) editing on this piece, in lickety-split timing…  While on maternity leave.

This is a story about my journey to self-love and healing. I tried writing this in detail because I believe every part is important. I am more than happy to share more about any topic if anyone is interested. I am an open book.

 

I am writing this because my life has brought me to a place I was meant to be, and now I strive to help others find their own happiness.To be happy, a lot of healing and learning to love yourself is needed. It is a hard and difficult process and it hurts.

 

I asked myself for a long time: How did I survive? Why am I still alive? What is it about me that the universe is holding onto? I believe it was because I was meant to lead people to enlightenment and love. I am here to help others find their own paths to happiness and healing.

 

How I Became Me

 

I traveled a dark path from a young age. Then I thought this was a normal part of growing up. I look back now and realize there was nothing normal about it. But the situations I chose made me strong and durable. They have made me appreciate what I have, and now I can enjoy the little things.

 

I have always lived by the motto “Stop thinking and live.” This is a very dangerous motto to live by when you have a free spirit or a gypsy soul. I have to feel and experience everything in life.

 

In a summary of the dark path: I encountered sexual abuse as a child, lived in a homeless shelter for two years when I was 7 after my mother left her abusive husband, was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 10 (my diagnosis progressed to bipolar disorder and eventually borderline personality disorder), started drinking and drugging at age 11, was raped at age 15 – which took the only good thing I held onto (my innocence, my virginity), dropped the charges because the cop was a bully, got clean, relapsed, began stripping, began dealing drugs for very dangerous people, dated one abusive man after another because I never had a good role model, took many trips (or “life vacations,” as I call them) to mental wards from the ages of 11 to 17, made multiple suicide attempts, spent times homeless living in my car, and engaged in self-harm.

 

I really was a danger to myself. I had ups and downs. I would get on a great path and when all seemed “normal,” I would destroy it. I was my own worst enemy.

 

Turning Points

 

I have had many turning points. Each one took me to a good place that I would later destroy. My first turning point was when I was sitting in a room at age 17 with two 40-year-old women I got high with a lot. By this time I was trying to fill a void in my life with whatever drug I could get. I had been doing cocaine since age 11 and meth since age 15. Towards the end I was smoking crack. The apartment they lived in had no furniture and they were shooting up meth. (Thankfully, my whole life I had a fear of needles. I knew if I crossed that line I would never come back.)

 

This night lead to my first turning point: I realized I was still young and felt a moment of hope. I went home and told my mom I needed help. She did not offer help, as it was “all in my head.” So I tried to kill myself. That was the last trip I took to the mental hospital, where I proceeded to get clean for the first time.

 

My next turning point came when I became pregnant with my son. The universe gave me what I needed to save my life. At the time I was a stripper and had relapsed. I was abusing drugs more than I had before and did not care if I lived. I was dealing drugs for very dangerous people and spent all my time in a crack house in the worst neighborhood in Omaha, Nebraska. There was this sober stripper who said she was there to save someone and she knew it was me. She told me about an angel who told her this one night. He was a light-skinned African American man with cream-colored eyes and a blue ring through them.

 

My son’s dad was very abusive, and one day I decided I had had enough and booked a flight to California. I was going to live with my dad and get clean. While I was on the plane to Denver for my layover, a man sat next to me. And this man looked exactly like this angel. He touched my shoulder and said, “I know why you are going to California and you cannot run from your problems. Go home after seeing your dad and God will provide you exactly what you need. These were the first words he spoke to me and I was floored. I went home after visiting my dad, and the day I returned I got pregnant with my son. That was the end of my drug use. My son also saved me from his abusive dad. When he was a year and a half old, I decided we were not setting a good relationship example for him and I left his father.

 

On to another turning point. After I left my son’s dad, I became pregnant from a guy I knew only for a month. I found out he was a drug addict and we parted ways. I was not going to keep my daughter because I could barely afford to take care of myself and my son. I struggled with the decision of abortion. I knew I could not do it. So I struggled with the choice of adoption. The biological father came to my work when I was four months pregnant and beat me up in the parking lot. I was able to get away and to my car. I had to run him over to get out of the parking spot. I gave birth to my daughter and chose to raise her. Best decision I ever made. After having her, I met my now-ex-husband, who showed me and my kids kindness. This was a turning point because I decided I would go back to school for my kids.

 

When I went back to school to become a Chemical Dependency Counselor, the worst part of my journey to healing began. I was taking classes on crisis counseling and I became flooded with memories that I had repressed as a kid. I forgot that I had lived in a homeless shelter for two years, among other things. I learned that my brother also did not remember the same years. Being flooded with these repressed memories was too much. I had to process all these feelings that had I shoved so deeply into my mind. It was painful.

 

Shortly after getting married, I became really depressed. I felt lost and alone. I went to the east coast to get away. I was 26 or 27. I met a 20-year-old hippie girl, and we lay on the ground in a park for hours and talked. She told me that even though my husband was nice, I deserved to be happy. And my kids deserved to be happy. She was right. Again, I was not showing them a healthy relationship. I went home and I left my husband. I stopped talking to everyone I knew because I needed to find myself. This hurt a lot of people in my life who stood by me and loved me. But I was spinning out and only I could help me.

 

All of this was important because it brought me here to the present.

 

How I Found Happiness

 

I started a class on meditation and energy healing. I felt I finally fit in somewhere. I had found my place. I had always had a strong intuition; I have felt and seen spirits around me since I was little. This class taught me how to tap into that, how to use energy to heal myself. How to balance my chakras. I finally felt whole and at peace.

 

When I was married, I dreamt of being a Reiki master. However, when I met with one, they told me I had too much darkness in me. Now I am at a point of peace and happiness from which I can start this journey, and it is amazing. I have become enlightened and awakened and I crave self-growth. I have been able to get my BPD under control through meditation and proper medication. I forgave myself and loved myself finally.

 

I then met my twin flame, my husband. I found a picture from three years before we met and he was in it. I found my soulmate. And if I had not been through all that, I would not been able to love him and be happy.

 

What I Still Struggle With

 

I still have struggles I deal with. I do not claim to be perfect.

 

I struggle every day with my addiction, though I am nine years clean. I have addictive behaviors that I held onto for years.

 

I struggle with my BPD. It is much better, but my impulse to react in anger is still there. So I give myself the hour rule: Don’t talk about it for an hour, and if you are still thinking about it you can approach it calmly. If you are not, you would have reacted with impulse to something that didn’t really matter.

 

I struggle with my ability to show emotion or talk about my emotions. I never have. I grew up never being able to and hiding these “bad” emotions. This drives my husband crazy. It is the flaw that I am currently working on now. Baby steps.

 

My Message To You

 

Enjoy life. It is precious. You have a purpose and you will know it when you are ready to.

 

Understand yourself and others around you. There is a reason for the way people act. Understanding that opens many doors.

 

Forgive yourself. We are our own worst enemies. It’s easier to forgive others, but forgiving ourselves is a battle.

 

Feel the bad but don’t live there. There is a positive in every negative; if you are open enough you will see it.

 

Be happy. You deserve it.

 

Most of all, remember that you are human and humans were made to make mistakes. I cannot tell you how many times this phrase has helped my friends when I say it. It is easy to be hard on ourselves, but what would we learn if we were perfect?

 

Blessed be.

IMPORTANT LINKS

*You can read Missy Jones’ sincere, reflective blog “My Wonderland,” by clicking here.

*You can follow Missy Jones’ thought-provoking FB page, “The Journey of Self Love and Healing,” by clicking here.

PHOTO CREDITS

*Waterfall photo, top,  taken by Missy Jones. “My current favorite place in the world. 30 mins from my house and there is heaven. The world just washes away there.”

*Berlin wall photo with Missy Jones, (next to Editor’s Note) provided by M.J.  “One of my dreams was always to see the Berlin Wall. This was taken the day I decided to get a divorce and I was torn apart and born in 1985. Then there’s the peace sign showing what kind of peace was in front of me.”

*Winter scene photo, just above, by Missy Jones.  “My winter sunrise on the way to work where the world looks like it’s on fire.”

(Photos & descriptive text courtesy of Missy Jones.)

If something on this page touched you, please *SPREAD the KINDNESS!*
Missy Jones
Reiki Student and Writer at mjmommyandlife.wordpress.com
Missy Jones is the author of the blog "My Wonderland" (found at mjmommyandlife.wordpress.com) and is the creator of the FB page "The Journey of Self Love and Healing." Missy Jones and Heidi Juniper are avid fans of the self-growth podcast, "The One You Feed", hosted by Eric Zimmerman.

Missy is here to help you find your own path to happiness and healing.

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1 Comment On "My Journey of Self Love and Healing"

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Tami
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Tami

Missy, Thanks for sharing your story. I liked your good advice: “Understand yourself and others around you. There is a reason for the way people act. Understanding that opens many doors.”

“Forgive yourself. We are our own worst enemies. It’s easier to forgive others, but forgiving ourselves is a battle.”

“Feel the bad but don’t live there. There is a positive in every negative; if you are open enough you will see it.”

I hope all the best for you.

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